Scars of the Heart | Brad Burchnell

Speaker: 00:00:00

Deana Brown Mitchell: Hello, everybody, it's Deana Mitchell at the Realize Foundation. And I'm here today with another author. And I want to introduce Brad to you all. And we're going to hear a little bit from him about his chapter and his experience. And I just want to say our second stars, two stars booked, Volume Two is coming out September 22, we're going to have a virtual launch event that day. And you can register at the Realizefoundation.org At the bottom of this video, under the Events tab, and you can everybody can register for free, you can also make a donation when you register to help us keep putting on events. So welcome, Brad.

Brad Burchnell: 00:00:40

Thank you very much. I appreciate the opportunity to come on tonight. Yeah,

Brad Burchnell: 00:00:44

Deana Brown Mitchell: I'm so excited that you've been part of this, this chapter or this book. And I think your chapter is going to gonna resonate and help a lot of people so

Brad Burchnell: 00:00:54

Well, I hope so, definitely is my goal, especially with the topic that that was chosen. This is the second book that has gone out in regards to having a chapter on it. And there's a third one coming out in Australia. So it's, it's one of those that, you know, you see different things from different different perspectives over time. And I think time is one of those things that end up helping you to be able to prepare for sitting down with other people that have had similar instances, they don't know what to say, how to approach it, how they deal with prevention, let alone postvention. It's it is very difficult thing, whether it's family, whether it's friends, colleagues, especially, employers have a very difficult time, I think, in navigating such a life events, especially, you know, work teammates, especially if they've been working very, very closely with somebody and they have a loss, you know, as a result of suicide, they don't always necessarily know how to a, really how to approach somebody in that space, the best thing that I can always say is, you know, don't exclude them don't change how you been in the past, then may, you know, they may be a little bit more emotional, they made this needs some space, my recommendation is always just to make sure that you let them know a couple of different things. One things to say, thanks to say is, you know, I'm so sorry for your loss, what can I do to help you today, checking in with them, just, you know, just knowing that, you know, if they've gone out for bereavement, you know, if you've been used to calling them and contacting them during times when they have been in that, you know, been going out and doing things, don't stop doing that. I know, for me, it was one of those things that nobody did that nobody stopped, stop showing up. I did see certain things and certain circles, because I didn't process things well. And especially in the place that I didn't that I expected it the least I found it the most. And that's a place that's not at a house of worship, that I was that I was attending, I think that that's, that's still something with analogical household worship. So wherever you go to it, they have a difficult time in dealing with that, especially from the perspective of, you know, from a biblical standpoint, or from any other standpoint, and how that they view that as being detrimental to somebody and how that they process that. You know, I found that that was something that was really difficult for me to to understand looking back at it in hindsight and some of the comments that you get some well intentioned, others not. But I did see that people pulled away. And you know that that was a challenge, especially when I was young. I was really there's a point when you're really struggling with who you are what you are, you wall yourself off. And at least I did. I can't speak for everybody. But it it's just one of those things where I was just have maybe having some of those people that I thought I was really close with just to be able to say, Hey, listen, I know you're struggling, come on, let's just go out or grab a cup of coffee with you. You know, tell me where you're at? What are things going on? That's when you really truly understand and who is what you know, what Brene Brown talks about is your true marbles our friends, those people that have demonstrated their, you know, their abilities and their comp your confidence in them and vice versa, where you share your everything with them. You're able to be vulnerable and not really have to worry about the soft underbelly being attacked. There's no judgment, there's no fear. There's no shame, there's no guilt. There's none of that. Whereas I didn't necessarily find that To be be true, you know, there's things that I would say that those are, those are things to be wary of using terms like, Well, that was really selfish, you know, didn't you see it coming, all these other type of things that people really don't realize and how detrimental some of those things can be and so, so hurtful it can be. I know, for me, I, I didn't have a lot of that I had a couple of things that were brought up. One was somebody that had accused me of abuses that excuse and not attending my house of worship that I went to, when, you know, for me, there was this days, and, you know, I just felt this so overwhelmed with everything, the shame, the guilt, you know, especially for someone like me, who had been in the military for 15 years, I didn't know what I was processing. It wasn't until, you know, November of 2020, that I was diagnosed with PTSD. And my therapist said it was a direct result of the accumulation of trauma, over two previous attempted suicides until the final time when my daughter did take her life in, you know, on May 28, of 2018. So everybody deals with things a little bit differently. It's just whether or not you're, you're able to put together some level of empathy with somebody and say, you know, and I had never experienced exactly what you dealt with. But I've had such a detrimental loss in my life that I can sit with you. And I can say, or not saying like, what, hey, I'm here for you today, how can I show up for you? Do you need me just to sit here with you, you want, what do you want to do to your and talk to you when we go have a cup of coffee, and you tell me what you need for today. And sometimes I just needed somebody just to get me out of where I was at that particular day, maybe throw a fishing pole in my hand, which is one of my favorite things to go ahead and do. And that's when I would just feel really at ease enough to where I say, you know, I would be ready to go ahead and talk and just to be able just to be be ready, but I never had that occur. So those are just, you know, those are just steps.

Brad Burchnell: 00:07:08

Now, as far as for an employer employee environment, here's what I would recommend, if you've had a high performing employee, for example, if they're whatever level that are, they're on the leadership team, if they're middle manager, or if they're doesn't matter who they are, they've been a vital part of your organization could be just somebody that's just in the hourly ranks that, you know, you know, stuffing boxes, their human being is the ability to go back in and talk to them and say, No, I just wanna let you know I'm here for you today, it may just be one of those things where you just thought I'm so sorry, for your for your loss, you know, and sometimes it's just buying a cup of coffee, and just let them know that you're available to them at any time. And just, you know, you can come into my office and just sit down for a few minutes, if you need just to kind of gather yourself, it's a safe place for you to go. Or even to be able to talk to employees about, you know, different times of the year, you know, for susceptible people next month is going to be suicide, National Suicide Prevention Month, which is a big thing for me. I look at those opportunities to be able to talk to different employers. How do you talk to your employees? How do you prepare them to do you talk about mental health? How do you talk to them about mental health? Have you had anybody that has had a loss? If you have it? How do you talk about different stages, we do really good on a number of different other events, and different months. But yet, mental health and suicide prevention get very, very little play. You know, we look at those opportunities, and they're missed opportunities for for people to be able to come together. And to be able to learn if you look at the things that are ended up happening within a very dynamic stratum, the suicide rate within the United States is climbing. It's gone up by 30%. Since 2080. If I've taken I took a look at I'm a stats guy in them. And I've been in quality for you know, over 10 years in manufacturing. So you take a look at trends over time.

Brad Burchnell: 00:09:18

So when you go through this, you start looking at it. I just hit people at dollars and cents. In at the end of 2018 2020 timeframe. It costs roughly $1.79 billion as a result of suicides in the United States. Now you take a look at that and how many people that that will that goes towards. That's about $1.24 million per person that has taken their life. So it not only cost the family but it also costs it in a lot of other different ways. Now, I can't boil somebody's life down to dollars and cents. But there's going to be employers out there and say okay, tell me how this fiscally impacts To me, Okay, let's go ahead and talk about that. Let's say that you are the CEO of a company. And you are the linchpin for your entire organization. And let's say that you employ somewhere in the neighborhood of 250 people 250 family started depending upon you to make your make good decisions and be there. What happens if you're afflicted with a mental health issue that results in you taking your life, not only are you affecting your family's life, but you're also affecting your business life, especially if you're the one that's a linchpin. So when we talk about dollars and cents on how that affects people, and they want to go ahead and go in dollars, and says, I'm ready to go toe to toe with people, but the fact of the matter is, is the emotional issues that really, then people have a difficult time and really navigating, there's that component, especially for, for parents of, of kids that have taken their life. And by the way, the age groups are very, keep getting younger and younger, we can probably relate that back to cyber bullying and those types of things, which are things that I never had to deal with, as you know, as a teenager, there was just a normal type of stuff. And let's face it, some of the things that I went through as a teenager were pretty bad. And by itself, I can't even imagine what that looks like today, because there's constant amount of bullying, at school on wine.

Brad Burchnell: 00:11:19

And, you know, there's that those complications that they have to deal with that. The you take a look at the age group. So now you're seeing kids as young as 10 years old, taking their life. For me as this goes, what what's going on here, the United States, and the Congress itself is failing, I see that on a universal level, I think we gave you a great example. This is not bashing the Navy, I served for 15 years, and that is the chief. But I had read an article where the Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy had, you know, was talking to a group of young sailors aboard ship. And one of the things that they were talking about was how a lot of the retrofits that were going on, and the upgrades was really causing them an awful lot of stress, and anxiety, because everybody knows if you can't get a good amount of sleep, and some of the other things that goes along with that being deployed, have some of the other things that have to go on with that. It becomes extremely challenging. And when you have somebody that saying, Hey, listen, I have a, I have a mental health issue. That's, that's being exacerbated by this. And we missed that opportunity to say, what's going on, we have a potential for when we start seeing a higher degree of incident rates of suicide. Right now. Yeah, there's somewhere between the suicide rate within the military is going up. I think a lot of people are for the 22 a day in regards to veterans, it's somewhere between 22 to 28. So it just varies depends upon, you know, the time may be or how that ends up, going towards. But when we miss that opportunity to have solid, those hard conversations, they're uncomfortable, we don't want to have them but at the same time, if we don't take the time to sit down and say, Okay, take a breath and just say, okay, you know, I'm gonna lean into my discomfort. And let's say, Tell me more, what's going on? What are you feeling? What are the things that are challenging you right? Now, we need to take that step to really listen.

Brad Burchnell: 00:13:20

Then we start also, at the same time is listening for things that are not being said, if we've had somebody that has been really engaging over a long period of time, and all of a sudden, they go quiet, what's going on, you want to be able to reach out to them, and so they feel comfortable, and, and being able to share and not feeling that their vulnerability is going to be a liability. If we don't take that opportunity to sit down with them, we could potentially have another statistic. Same thing with our kids, there were things that I totally didn't see within regards to my daughter, I started seeing behaviors over a long period of time, but there was never any diagnosis because of the way that the mental health industry is at. There's just not a lot of safeguards that are out there. I don't know what can be done. I just know that the more more times that we can end up bringing up mental health and eliminating the stigma of it, and talking openly about suicide prevention, and that at the same time, is to be able to talk about postvention what happens when like the talking about what happens when people come back? And how do you end up working alongside with them being open.

Brad Burchnell: 00:14:33

There's two sides that we can end up dealing with that. One is in our educational institutions, having speakers to come in that have been people like me to be able to share what happened, how they felt, and to be able to connect with the audience members and really tailor it to that environment. I've been in a couple of companies where that's actually occurred. worried somebody that had been part of the team had taken their life. So how sometimes that could be a missed opportunity to use that utilize that as an opportunity to open up a larger discussion, or, you know, frame the staff into, you know, be able to sit with people, the the emotional quotient, the EQ component about how do we deal with the emotional intelligence? It's not just the soft side of business, it's the people side of the business, it's up in dollars and says people would say that potentially, you know, like I said before, how does that affect my bottom line? Well, the bottom line is how we end up looking at who our most valuable resources are. And really, that comes into the people within our organization.

Brad Burchnell: 00:15:47

Deana Brown Mitchell: I agree, I agree, completely. Brad, is a wealth of knowledge in unnecessary none. So anybody who wants to talk more about this, please reach out to him. Yes, please, that I would like to ask you a couple of questions about the book and are absolutely that that we're working on? So the first question is, if you can tell us just in a in a, in a couple or two or three sentences about what is your chapter about, so people will know that and they'll look for, for to read your chapter,

Brad Burchnell: 00:16:19

I'd be happy to. Well, a couple of couple of sentences. I think I teed it up pretty well, with what I just led into. It really is the story of of my daughter's life. And then through the stages of up to and including her death, and how I got to the point of celebration, and be able to celebrate her life, and what it means to me and how it can affect an impact others.

Brad Burchnell: 00:16:44

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yes, and it's so important to get your perspective, because you know, a lot a lot of the conversations we have in our organization is about preventing suicide. But there's, there's this whole other side, when I first started doing research, I joined some Facebook groups and, and some were people that were struggling with ideation. And some groups were people that were struggling with loss. And, and so I've done a lot of research on both sides, but I've not been in your shoes. And so I'm really thankful that you were willing to share that story in one of our books, because I think people do need to see the other side. And in myself as a suicide survivor. It it also makes me think about things differently. Because I think when when you're in that place where you just want the pain to stop, you don't you don't think about how it's gonna affect everyone else in your life. And it, we have to have both perspectives. And we we you're right, we have to have these conversations. So people will know how to support someone In either instance, because I think people shut down because they just don't want to say the wrong thing is that the more we can have the conversations, the more people can feel equipped to be supportive and have the conversation. Right. And to your point about the system. You know, it was 1997 I woke up in the hospital after my attempt. And they gave me a note of a doctor to make an appointment with and they let me walk out of the hospital. And, you know, the doctor that I saw all he was interested in doing was giving me medication. Yeah, you didn't even recommend that I see a therapist, like it was when I look back on it. Now I'm just like, pretty appalled that how that was handled. Yeah, I think we're getting better. But we have a long way to go.

Brad Burchnell: 00:18:46

Yeah. And I think that there is, you know, there's there's two sides to for that as well. I, you know, my my daughter experienced this the same type of thing. She didn't admit to me that she had attempted suicide, but later on with a psychologist she did. She had, you know, been drinking had, you know, there was a number of other different things, the California Highway Patrol, really, she was in the custody of the state, but essentially, she was, you know, at the ICU can do anything, but because of the amount of blood that they had to give her. They couldn't get a valid, you know, alcohol level. So what ended up happening was, it was failed, she could have been locked up could have, you know, had observation. The second time she attempted, she went to an institution and of getting injured at the institution where it was not really clear how it occurred. But she had to get, you know, go to surgery for her neck. And, you know, obviously the third time she was just bound and determined. There was other pointers that was going towards that but I think that you know, like you said, it doesn't always happen there. Like I said, the there's therapists and there's really good ones that that are out there. I'm kind of the mindset, not just because I am a coach, it's just because of the fact I think you need both. You need somebody that has a good therapist along with a coach at some point, really to be able to get you past it. So some of you talked about the trauma, keep reliving it, but giving you skills and to be able to understand the healing component of it. That's where I think, from my perspective, and what it did for me, as far as that was the most healing letters of forgiveness, the release of trauma that I ended up having didn't really occur until after I had started working with two really incredible life coaches. And that really helped transform my mindset and my heart set. So with that I had my heart and mind back together as one, which is one of the reasons that I directed my energies more towards that. And I'm hoping that, that more corporate clients would start embracing that same mindset, because, quite frankly, we can't afford to lose more people, especially when it's they're so vital to what we do.

Brad Burchnell: 00:21:12

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, I agree. I agree. I feel like we could talk about this for a week. So definitely. But the other thing I want to ask you to share is about your experience, you know, whether it's being part of the project, or writing the chapter, whatever you want to talk about, sure. The, in your experience of being part of this book,

Brad Burchnell: 00:21:36

Yeah, it's amazing to be able to talk about from scars to stars, because my chapter was on scars of the heart, obviously, you know, over time, we had that open wound, and it starts to close. And it's still a portion that, that it's tender for us. But my goal is, as a writer, and as an author is always to place the reader in the middle. And not as as a, you think you'd be a casual observer. But, you know, if you're an observer into a, an environment, and your place right in the middle, it gives you a different perspective, other than just looking at something from arm's length. You know, and I think that that's what's really crucial about about the stories that I would see from from this particular venture, when you have that level of intimacy within something you can, you can be overcome in some respects and put something down say, hey, that didn't affect me, I didn't change minds always about leaving a lasting memory for someone to say, you know, what, I'm taking something away from that, that I can, that I can use in my day to day life, where it's, Hey, that's something I didn't didn't realize before. And it was impactful. And that's really what the I believe what the goal is always going to be within these types of books. And I think that they need to be.

Brad Burchnell: 00:23:00

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, it's, I think it's, it's just the people that are willing to be so vulnerable and honest about things that they've been through and in our books have all kinds of stories from, you know, suicide, to addiction to abuse, all kinds of things. And I think that my goal is that we meet people in those places and let them know, they're not alone, hopefully, before they even get to the stage of ideation. And we can get them support. And that's also what our events are about, we're going to have one in October, where we do some exercises together, we get in breakouts, we get to actually connect with people. And it's it's really, truly amazing what comes out of that. But I think you're right, I think, you know, for for me, I was silent for 23 years about what I went through, I didn't tell anybody and everyone talked about it, right? Until I lost a friend. And then I felt like I could have helped him. And that made me speak up. And so, but all that time that I was holding that information inside it, it was very hard to even think about talking about it because of the stigma because of the thing, you know, people who didn't want to talk about it. And so I never had an opportunity where I met somebody that was willing to talk about this subject. And so I just never did. And I think that that's why I'm so passionate about the conversation piece. And this, you know, books because if somebody is in that place in there, they're not ready to talk. They could read a chapter, and they could they could also connect with that person and say, Hey, I went through something similar. Would you talk to me about this? And all of the people in the books are willing to do that. And so I think it's, it's that that way to find help without having to speak up and ask, that's, if you will.

Brad Burchnell: 00:24:59

Right, right. Right. And I think that's one of the reasons that I ended up doing that. The other book that I have that's out as a PDF book is called, From my heart to yours, I'm not my mistakes, which really goes through a lot of similar types of things, you know, from, you know, attachment issues, to first traumas, to, you know, adolescent issues to force to suit, you know, the suicide, and then really coming out of the other end, but also putting people in the place of asking, being able to ask questions of yourself, or, and at the same time, I also put in actual letters of forgiveness that I ended up putting in for myself for the people that I know that I had issues with, and also had questions in there for people to participate with in order to go ahead and help themselves. Because like you said, sometimes people are not ready. But they can be ready by dis, preparing themselves,

Brad Burchnell: 00:25:53

Deana Brown Mitchell: They can be ready, it seems that's what's what's been so fascinating to me, the past couple of years was learning about more about the coaching world, and now all of these videos and digital courses and stuff that you can do on your own, almost like going to school for something. But it's something you can do privately and at your own pace and all that. And that's, that's what's coming next for us. And the foundation is, is some courses, and one of them will be a scar course, which is like the first steps of healing and overcoming. And then the other one is going to be a star course. And that's going to be for people that are going to tell their story in one of our books, we're going to have it just structured a little differently than we've had it this time. Because we want to build that community, we want people to be meeting regularly as a group, so they can build that support for themselves, and help others. And so those are, those are coming in 2023. And in the meantime, we're we're going to do another virtual event, and hopefully do those more like either twice a year or quarterly or something like that. So so people have that outlet as well. And then we have the private Facebook group that people can are in and can, you know, connect with other people there as well. But do you have any last words for our audience?

Brad Burchnell: 00:27:19

I would just encourage people just do when you're looking at these chapters, look at that with an open mind and an open heart. And not from what you can necessarily get from it. But what you can learn from it to share with others.

Brad Burchnell: 00:27:36

Deana Brown Mitchell: Thank you. And I was having a conversation the other day with somebody when we were saying that sometimes you'll read a chapter that you don't relate to, or maybe you don't have anything in common with that person. But it also might prepare you for something in the future, right, that you haven't experienced yet. So I've learned something from everybody that has written in both books and and taken away lots of different you know, either it's coping mechanisms or self care ideas, or whatever it is. So hopefully, it is helpful. So for anybody watching again, you can join us for the book launch on September 22. It'll be in the afternoon. 1pm Mountain Time 3pm Eastern Time. And we'll have some fun. We'll learn about all the Arthur's and we'll have some a couple of breakout activities. And last time we had the book launch event, the hardest thing I ever did was hit end because when he wanted to leave but it's it really is usually an international audience because it's virtual, which is fun. And you can register again at our our website realizefoundation.org at the Events tab, and we hope we can see you there.