Bully-Proofing Your Child | Tammy Atchley

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:00:00

Hi, everyone. I'm here today with Tammy Atchley, and she's going to talk to us about your kids and bullying and how we can support them. And she's going to tell you a whole lot more information than I could offer. So, Tammy, Oh, thanks for being here.

Tammy Atchley: 00:00:18

Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:00:21

Yeah, well tell us a little bit about what you do, and how you how you got into being a coach for kids and bullying.

Tammy Atchley: 00:00:34

Well, in high school, I was bullied quite severely, and it got so bad that I contemplated suicide, I didn't want to be here anymore. And having a mom who I knew loved me, and, but she didn't know what to say, and didn't know how to react and said things like, you know, it's all in your head, it's not as bad as you think it is those kinds of things. And so I didn't feel supported or believed. And then, many years later, I've had, we've, we have four kids, and our youngest, came home from school, when she was seven. And she said, Mom, I can't take it anymore. And she, you know, flopped on the couch and started crying. And through our conversation, I learned that she was being bullied and talk about a parent feeling guilt, you know, having been through it myself, I felt so guilty that I didn't recognize the signs. And so from our trial and error of getting her through that, you know, having conversations and working with the school and learning what worked and what didn't work, several people told me, you know, you should write a book about it. And so I've thought about that off and on. And I thought, you know, I could probably do more help and more good by helping other families not have to go through what we did. And so I became, I became a coach through experience, and I'm a parent empowerment coach, your advocate for bully proofing your child. And so that's, that's what I'm doing now. And I'm, I'm loving what I'm doing, really trying to get the word out. And it's, it's really been good.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:02:30

That's awesome. I was so glad to meet you and understand what you do. Because we've had, I've had so many people reach out to me, when they know about our foundation and, and what we're doing for suicide prevention. And they're like, we really want you to talk about teens, and can you come talk at the school and can you and I'm like, I'm not the right person for that. So I was so excited to be able to have this event with you, and Darrell and Terry, because all of you do talk to parents, about their children, and how to navigate this stuff, because it's just not in my wheelhouse. So, I know, you, you said that you help children feel heard and believed and supported, and validate their experiences. So I would love for you to talk more about that, and how, how you can help parents do that?

Tammy Atchley: 00:03:25

Well, when when I was going through through bullying when I was a teen, you know, everyone's heard this phrase, you know, sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you. You know, I heard that a lot from my mother and my grandmother, and, and from other people. And you know, that couldn't be further from the truth. You know, words do hurt, and they hurt badly. You know, I things like that stick with you in your mind. And it really messes with your mind, and you start to believe the things that you're hearing. And that's, that's not good for kids to not believe in themselves. And so as parents as we learn that they're being bullied or they're or that they're, they're not confident and they don't want to be here anymore. We need to be supportive. And we need to tell them that that we do believe them for the that is so important. I didn't feel believed I didn't feel heard. I didn't feel loved and supported. And so as parents, we need to tell them, you know that I believe you. I support you, I'll do everything I can to help you. And you know, I fully believe in hugs and prayers because I know prayers. As a Christian, having prayers with your family and my kids grew up having prayers with the family. We really it really helped them to see that you know God loves them and that their parents love them. And that is so important as A child, as an adult as well, to know that you're, you're, you're heard and you're understood, and you're validated for your feelings, because you can't tell someone what they can believe or what they believe about themselves. And so I know it's important to let them know that that you do love them, and that you support them. I know that conversations are huge. I know a lot of kids don't have conversations with their parents, kids won't don't want to talk. But when they do, as parents, we need to listen, it's one of the hardest things in the world to close our mouths as a parent and not want to interrupt or to fix things and to help them. Talk about it, you know, and if we continually interrupt and try to fix things, we don't know really how our child is feeling and what they're going through. Creating opportunities for our kids to talk to you. It with not serious or deep subjects, you know, creating those opportunities. My husband will do the dishes with our son, or our daughter and just talk to them. And, you know, what's your favorite movie? What movies coming out? What's your favorite ice cream? Well, let's go get some after this. If they know that you're willing to talk to them, and you're not judgmental, and you're there, to just talk to them, and that you're their, their friend, as well as their parent, they're more apt to come to you and talk to you when there's something worse or severe going on. So I know that it's really important to have those conversations with your kids.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:06:52

That is That is true. I think it's hard. I mean, I think I told you before we got on here that I didn't talk to my parents a lot about things that were going on. And they probably didn't know anything was wrong, because I didn't, I didn't want to talk about it to anybody. And I especially didn't want to talk about about it to my parents. And I don't know why I felt that way. I really don't. Because my family, my family was very supportive and very, you know, with telling me I could do anything I wanted. And you know, they were very supportive and everything I did. But for some reason, I've had a hard time talking about my feelings or things like that to people in my life in general. And I'm, you know, I'm gonna 50s It's not something that it's just something about me and my brain and how it how that works. But it's hard to get kids to talk about the hard stuff. If you don't already have those normal conversations, like you're saying, and we have a, we did an I did an interview with Donnie Crowder, who started cope notes. And he, it's on our podcast now and on our YouTube channel. But during our conversation he was talking about when he was a kid, and he had a lot of mental health issues and multiple suicide attempts. And I was like, well, Johnny, what made you talk to your mom, and he's like, I didn't ever want to talk to my mom about it. But he said if she would sit down and ask me about music, because he he's in a band. And, you know, he has had music has been a big part of his life. And he said to me, he's like, I postponed my death once because I wanted to go to a concert. And we talked about the fact that if you can have a conversation with your kids, that's about something they're looking forward to, or something that they're excited about. And it starts there. But then like you said, then they'll be more comfortable to come back and tell you when something's wrong. And so I thought that was a really good perspective that he shared. Because I have step kids that they were, you know, teenagers almost when I met them, so I didn't get to have that same experience with a child growing up. But yeah, I think it's it's important in conversation as part of our mission. So

Tammy Atchley: 00:09:32

Yeah, having having those conversations with your child that is things that they're interested in. My son loves d&d and video games and I thought that's not my forte, but my husband does and so when that's another connection that that they have that they can talk about and I love to pass by their bedroom. And to see them talking, because it just makes me feel good that we do have that in our home, you know, and, you know, my daughter comes to me more and my son goes to my husband, which is is normal. But, you know, when you do have those harder conversations, when you ask questions, when, uh, when you know, something is going on? Kids responses are fine, good. I'm okay. So, you know, everyone hears ask open ended questions. You know, that's, that's very important so that they, you know, as I've noticed with my daughter, when I talk about she loves to draw, and so we'll we'll look up drawing things on on the internet for classes, and we'll do them together or she'll she'll do a drawing, and then we'll talk about the drawing. And then it can easily go into a more difficult conversation, once they know you're open, you're not judging them, and you're not trying to fix things and you're just there for them, they're more eager and more apt to open up to you. And that's, that's one of the most important things is to know that your child is okay. And that's the only way to know that is if you talk to him.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:11:18

That's true. So if you had if you had a parent come to you, and they had a child that they think is being bullied at school, but they won't talk to them about it. Like how would you help them? How would what would you say?

Tammy Atchley: 00:11:34

Well, the first thing is to know or to find out if your child is okay, because that as a parent that you want your child safe, you don't want them hurt physically, or mentally or in any way. But the the first thing is to find out if they're being physically hurt. So knowing what's going on with your child and knowing what bullying is what the signs and symptoms are. So you can recognize that in your child. And if you if you find out they are being bullied and, and they don't want to talk to you about it, to be aware of what they're doing or not doing anymore, or the things that they say I don't want to go to school anymore. They're all of a sudden having, you know, I'm sick today, I don't want to go to school, and they hadn't been doing that before. So just being aware of what can happen when kids are being bullied and to notice that being aware is a huge part of it. I think going to there after talking to your child, and they won't say anything, sometimes I I will suggest to go talk to their teacher to see if they've noticed anything if they've heard anything, and, and kind of take it from there. And then always, always tell your child that you're talking to their teacher. I think that's really important. Because if they feel like you've gone behind their back, or you're lying to them, or something that'll break all communication, and I'll trust with your child. So I think having them know what you're doing and asking them, What do you want me to do about this? I know something is going on, I want to go to your teacher or to the principal. We need to you know, so if you talk to me about it, and then we'll decide the course of action of what you want to do and what I feel is appropriate as a parent. Because sometimes we need to do things that our children don't like to keep them safe.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:13:48

Yeah, absolutely. Have you had experience with your own child with the teachers and how did they help or not help?

Tammy Atchley: 00:14:00

Well, it was it's different with some clients that I've had and it's different with with my daughter, thank heavens, we had a teacher that was aware of what was going on had seen some of it and sometimes, at first, she told me that she my daughter would be the one to get in trouble because the bullies always deny and push put it back on the child who's being bullied. But she was really aware and once I came to her and told her my experience with my talks with my daughter, she kept her eye out more and she was able to stop a situation before it happened and with some clients I've had they the teachers I haven't seen anything your child's the one that's the bully because they believe the bully and that makes me want to go to the principal and take it above and you know there are times When you have to do that, you have to go above the teacher and go to the principal. And one thing I really advocate for is, every single time there is an incident of bullying, you go to the principal, and the teacher, and you have an incident report, and you have them sign it, and you sign it, and you get a copy of it. So you have a record of what's going on. And those I've seen that don't want to go through all the paperwork and the interviewing the kids and the parents. If you do that enough, hopefully it won't. But if you have to report it so many times, they'll finally do something about it. That is a huge win for a lot of parents is when the school will finally say okay, I'm going to do something just I won't have to fill out another incident report. And it as almost silly as that sounds. They don't want that extra work. Sometimes you have to stay after school and take care of this with the parents and the Children's. And it's just it's really sad that they don't want to they don't care enough about the children, it seems some of them that to spend a few extra minutes to help a child who is in need of help.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:16:23

Yeah, I can I can imagine. I'm wondering if I was going to ask you about the connection between bullying and suicidal ideation. And I should have done more research about that. But maybe I'll do it and posted them with this video or talk about it at the event. But you know, there's, there's a connection there. I know, I just don't know what the stats are around it. And I'm wondering if you have, because of your own experience, like how did how did that happen for you? To get to a place where you would contemplate suicide?

Tammy Atchley: 00:17:08

Like you I don't have the stats, but I know with with me when I was a teen I started to believe what people were telling me in the hallways at school people would the kids would say, you should just go home and kill yourself. You're fat and you're ugly. And you know, why are you Why do you even come to school, we don't want to look at you. You're you know, just horrible things. And after a while they it's embedded in your head over and over day after day after day. And you start to believe it. And you believe well. No one loves me. No one wants me no one cares. So why not just end it, so I feel better. And that's, you know, the day I the final day where I came home from school, I'd had enough just like my daughter when she was seven. I was 16. And she said, Mom, I just can't take it anymore. I went in my room and I cried. And I was talking to God, I was like in it better off with you. And I cried until the tears wouldn't come anymore. And when I finally stopped crying, I heard what I thought was someone in the room saying you are enough just the way you are. And I love you. And I felt this power this feeling this spirit is what I call it. Enter me and I knew that if no one else loved me. He does. And that was a change for me from that day forward. Yes, I still hurt. Yes, I was still depressed and felt worthless. But just a little bit more of I'm okay. And I never thought of it again. So that having God in my life has been a huge change in my life. Yeah.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:19:23

So in your case, it was almost like these kids put that thought in your head. And in other cases maybe it's it comes from within or comes from social media or comes from different places because the teen suicide rates have been growing. And just trying to understand how a nine year old and a 12 year old even has this idea that they want to take their life. It's it's when I was that age, I didn't even have a clue what that even meant. You know,

Tammy Atchley: 00:20:01

I agree, I think I think a lot of it even if no one tells you, you know, you should kill yourself, hearing that you're worthless that nobody likes you that you're ugly that you don't want to be your friend that you should just go away. You know, a lot of times, you'll start to think those thoughts. Well, they don't want me here. I don't want to be here either. And then they hear things on, like you said, on social media and on the news and all the you know, the the shootings and the suicides, and you start to think, why should I say, and we need to get the message out that you are worthy, you are enough, and you are beautiful, and wonderful, just the way you are. And so that's why the sign behind me, I think it's frontwards, you can see it, you know, kindness begins with me. And if everyone thought of kindness first, what a different world this would be. What a hugely different world, this would be.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:21:06

That is true. I talk about kindness a lot to you, because we never know what the person next to us is going through whether they're a stranger or spouse. That's true. It's you know, we, we all have stuff that's in our head that we don't share with people. And sometimes, sometimes sharing it helps a lot. But sometimes we're just too scared.

Tammy Atchley: 00:21:35

Absolutely. I think that's part of kids not wanting to talk to their parents is they're afraid. They, they don't think that they'll be believed they're embarrassed. They think their parents will think less of them. And sometimes that's true, and sometimes it's not. And we need to get our kids to the point where they trust us enough to know that we are a safe place to fall, we are a safe place to talk. Yes, I have a quote that I love to tell people. It's by Harold B. Lee, and it says the most important work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own home. And one more quote by CS Lewis children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work. Those are my favorite quotes.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:22:32

Thank you for sharing that. Um, I want to ask you to talk a little bit about competence, because I think it's a theme and this event. And I think it's a something that helps with what we're talking about. And my question, my biggest question is, is how do we, how do we instill confidence in our child when they're going through something like that? And where do we start, if you want to talk about that a little bit,

Tammy Atchley: 00:23:09

I got a couple of ideas for parents. I know I wished I would have had this as a child, or as a teenager. Martial arts in any way, shape, or form is a huge confidence builder for kids, because they feel stronger, and they feel, you know, getting having self care and really caring about themselves is almost a foreign concept to a lot of children who have no confidence. And so as a parent, if you if you believe that, that any type of martial arts of any kind would help your child the confidence that they that it gives them is, is enormous. And I know there are, a lot of times, like we said before, they're told You're worthless, you're no good, you're not enough. If kids have a hobby or something that they've loved to doing, and then all of a sudden stopped because of the bullying. Or if you know that your child loves to draw, but as never really develop that. Encourage them find ways to help them. Get really good at something playing an instrument singing, you know, drawing, by bike riding, running, you know, there's so many different things that you can encourage your child to do. And as they get better and better with something that just for them. Their confidence grows. I've seen that in my daughter. She's always loved to draw and as you know, she's 14 now but at the age of seven when I found that she was being bullied, we really started getting into drawing more and now she's into digital I and she loves it. And to see her talk about it and her face lights up, it's, it's amazing to see the transformation in even my own daughter. So encouraging them to find something they love. And as they develop that talent, because that's exactly what hobbies are, hobbies turn into talents. And they, you know, it can also lead to a lifelong, you know, opportunity as as an occupation. My daughter wants to become a designer of clothing, and she's been drawing clothes on her computer for for years now. And so to see your child develop with confidence with being in with physical things, martial arts and exercise, and taking care of themselves, can lead to a future that they didn't think that they could have, because a lot of kids don't see their future. And if you get them involved with things that they can actually see, yeah, when I graduate, I can do this. And to hear your child say something like that, from what they used to say is, I don't want to be here anymore. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to go to school, to I can do this. I want to go to college for this. They're seeing their future. And that is exhilarating for a parent. Absolutely.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:26:28

Yeah, that's a great story. It also makes me think that maybe they they would meet different friends at school through whatever this hobby is, or what they enjoy. Maybe it could connect them to a different circle of people, that would be more supportive.

Tammy Atchley: 00:26:48

Absolutely, my my son, he's 19. Now he got into the Lego club in high school. And, you know, he used to, he's always loved Legos at home. But when we found the Lego club, he found, we called the Geek Squad, you know, the kids who, you know, the computer wizards and the, you know, the gamers and the Lego enthusiast. And that brought him out of his shell to and that was, it's amazing. The clubs at schools can be transforming in their lives. Absolutely.

Deana Brown Mitchell: 00:27:21

That's awesome. Well take me out and ask if you have any final words for our listeners. And then tell people where they can find you.

Tammy Atchley: 00:27:31

Absolutely. I think the most important thing as a parent is to know that your child is safe, and to let them know that that they are loved. And so talking to your child to know that they're safe is the most important thing for a parent. And I am on Facebook @Tammy dot z dot Atchley. And I'd love to connect and I have a Facebook group will tell you about that. And then on the landing page, and so I'd love to connect. Yeah,